I tried to buy an big expensive thing last week. I’ve wanted one for ages, and finally one came up a little reduced in price from the normal price that things usually cost. I informed the buyer that I would buy his thing and he confirmed that I would indeed be the proud owner of his thing, after receipt of monies sent via some form of electronic wizardry.
I am a huge fan of PayPal, it makes buying things so easy, maybe too easy my wife may say, but as this is an expensive thing and PayPal takes a cut, (Why do they take a cut???) I thought a more mature and grown up “bank Transfer” would be the better option.
So I head over to my friendly neighbourhood bank, and they transferred the money for me… NO.. wait… thats right.. I forgot..
THERE ISN’T ONE!!
Nope, now due to the wonders of the internet, and the advances of modern technology, all the banks have closed their doors, the staff are all drug addicts or bar staff orweb designers, and the managers are slowly working their way up middle management of Statoil, from the bottom.
Nope no banks round here… So its to the internet we go…
Is so easy! all this new tech stuff, so lovely, don’t have to leave my fat arse chair.
Open Chrome (my preferred browser, used to use firefox, before, but someone tells me Chrome is better, seems the same, but without a menu bar… that must be it then.. less is more and all that… WONDERFUL!
Go to nordea.no
Click on Login Private, good nice and secure…
Type in my birthday, nice, they’re probably going to surprise me!
The website requires Java, please download here…
Handy! They provided a link! fabulous!
Download from Sun Systems, follow install routine
Please close all browsers Continue installation
Open Chrome
Go to nordea.no
Click on Login PrivateType in my birthday
The website requires Java, please download here…
Hmm.. fishy.. Not to worry! I’ll try Firefox, plenty of browsers to choose from on THIS computer I can tell you!
Open Firefox
Go to nordea.no
Click on Login Private
Type in my birthday
The website requires Java, please download here…
Dang… Surely I don’t have to use Safari? I mean, what would my colleagues say if they knew I was resorting to “the default browser”
Open Safari…
You are a about to open a program you downloaded from the internet, are you sure you want to continue?
Strange, apparently I never opened
Safari before!
(hmm looks a lot like Chrome… must be a mac thing)
Go to nordea.no
Click on Login Private
Computer Hangs… wait… wait…
Up comes a java box YIPPIE SUCCESS!
Do you want to run Super Clever Java widgit V.2000000? Click OK to continue
I click OK to continue..
OK ok I’m not going to write out the whole thing now, cos thats another post, haven’t I written about it before, I think so.. Birthdays passwords, and little credit card sized calculators for generating totally pointless codes?… Exercise one, write a sentence with both the expressions “Modern Age” and “Palaver”… You got it!
Insert 5 more steps here…
anyway, I get in and click on
Send Money Overseas
Consider yourself clicked!
Please order “Sending money over seas by clicking OK here”
HUH?
I have to ORDER this functionality? Why? DO they make me order clicking on the left hand side of the screen, do they make me order the functionality of writing on their website in my underpants? While Im at it, can I order going to the loo during a transaction, it might come up?I click the button
And quit the website…
Sleep…
Next day (What service!!!) I get a reply, “Yep go ahead and send money overseas you lucky lucky bastard, and by the way have you got any small change, I need heroin”
Open Chrome
Close Chrome
Open Safari
login etc
Fill in details (lots, I was ready with bank IDs, IBAN numbers, creditors names and addresses, the lot.. I was SMOOOOOTH and efficient!)
And there its is… finished.. lying in a list of what Nordea calls
Unconfirmed Transactions
Done, finished, Just have to wait for Nordea to “confirm my transaction” then!
Suppose they´ll send a mail when they do…?
tum ti tum…
Waiting…
1 day…
2 days…
1 week goes by, then the seller contacts me
“OI! You want this thing or what???!”
So I head on over to my favourite internet website on the World Wide Web..
nordea.no
And there it is… STILL!
In the list of Unconfirmed Transactions
The money for my thing!
Why???
I examine my details… all look good..
I look closer…
Closer still…
There at the bottom, is a teensy tiny button, no bigger than my little fingernail.
And on it it reads…
confirm transaction
AGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH Ficúck Shhhheeeeiii!! Pisssssing cunttttttttting fuckkkkkinga shystar MUVVAAAPHAKKKEEERRR!
So it was MY fault? I was supposed to “Confirm the Transaction”
It wasnt even that simple, first I had to
SELECT THE TRANSACTION YOU WANT TO CONFIRM, then hit the teensy tiny button!
I can see the functionality they are going for here, they are expecting that we are all sending all sorts of multiple payments Overseas all the time, and that our secretaries (slaves or wives) fill in all the possible payment details, and when the whim takes us, we can holler orders across the room like..
“Pay the man in China”
Or
“Pay for the things.. wait… wait…. wait… NOW!!!!”
But for me… it was just too much work. NOW I see why PayPal charge a percentage, they do all this work for you, just like a real bank.
Not Nordea.. They make a fancy website (In Java for Christs sake!) put some hotshots in super high paid financial crookery positions.. “maximising profit” and “investing”.
Fire all the normal “hello, how can I help you? people. And leave the rest to you!
Everyone has to be a bit of a banker now, go in, look at numbers, columns and columns of numbers.
Well thats progress for you!
Fingers crossed that there still money in my account for my thing!